I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
