Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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