Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
