so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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