I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
