I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
