please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
