I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
True strength comes from lack of pants
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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