he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
