Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
