I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
