Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
