I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize