just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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