i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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