Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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