i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
