Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
