i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
