i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
