I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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