party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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