He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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