Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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