I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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