i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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