Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i think my cat just said my name.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
