he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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