im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
