I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
