I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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