Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You were trust falling into bushes
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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