I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We don't watch enough power rangers
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
