he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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