I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize