alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
