your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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