I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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