she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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