pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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