i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize