He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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