note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
