On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize