I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
