Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
