After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
