btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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