I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
