After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
