I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
