i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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