I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
