You can't special order awesome
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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