Operation Purity has been aborted
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
