Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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