a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
