we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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