Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He better not be in your backpack
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
