its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
