one two three fourrrrnication!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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