I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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