thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
