Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
