the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
