I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You pole danced in your parka.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize